Warning – Grown Up Series

It’s not often that I like things so I was as shocked as anyone that I was loving Years and Years, a proper drama for proper grown ups. My mum could watch it. I actually told my mum to watch it.

It helps that it’s created by TV writing god Russell T Davies, who wrote the O.G gay series Queer as Folk in 1999. (And loads of other quality stuff including revivifying Doctor Who.)

(Via Channel 4) Before he was Jax in SOA, before he was Littlefinger in GOT and the one who never got famous.

And that the main love story is between these two gorgeous men.

(Via BBC One) Proving that absolutely no-one looks good in a turtleneck.

But before you go thinking I’m only there for the perving, I told my mum to watch it. My mum who (despite being a grown ass woman over 70) complains when there’s too much sex on the telly. So I’m not gonna send her into a shag fest.

Years and Years starts in 2019, focusing on a middle class UK family as things start to unravel. For 5 episodes it shows plausible/possible/believable technological, social and political changes that occur in the next ten years.

It’s scary because horrific stuff happens but ‘normal’ day to day life carries on. Until it doesn’t.

It’s scary because it’s the world we already live in and the world we’re heading toward.

It’s scary because the characters are relatable and the relationships real. (I proper cried like a non grown up and that only occurs over animals.)

And it’s funny and diverse and stuffed full of fab actors. It’s not perfect but it’s pretty fucking close.

And then we hit the final episode.

WHAT.

THE..

ACTUAL…

FRACK??!!

The series loses it’s shit and goes completely pear shaped.

And I’m left open mouthed like a slack jawed yokel, wondering how it could all go so horribly wrong.

Some called the ending big. Or bold. Or biblical. Or maybe the same reviewer said all three. But you know what I say …

Because the very things that made Years and Years so powerful were wiped away by the bollocks ending.

So watch at your own peril. Maybe you’re more forgiving than me.

I’m going back to trashy teen land where no one can let me down like that again.

(Via Netflix) Elite – Season 2. Even better than the real thing.

Wolves on film…

So this 2016 series finally arrived on Netflix.

But after all my chomping at the bit, it turns out this teen series was made for ..*GASP* .. actual teens.

Despite the Grange Hill vibe, adorbs faux wolves and a truckload of denial, I could not regress back to 13 to enjoy it.

So instead let me rate some of the best ‘fanged and furred’ that have come under my hypercritical gaze.

American Werewolf in London – 1981

Via Polygram Pictures ; The Guber-Peters Company

Pretty much the benchmark for the modern werewolf movie.

(No I’m not a film historian so sue me if I just made that up.)

It had a sly wink to old tropes and created some new ones. Plus black comedy and AMAZEBALLS effects that hold up almost 40 years later. Yup it’s that old! BUT still looks a gazillion times better than shit CGI. (I’m talking to you Underworld.)

Rating : 8 out of 10.

Points off for only one woman (love interest) and spawning two terrible sequels in the 90’s.

Company of Wolves – 1984

An awesome feminist re – telling (and deconstruction) of Red Riding Hood and other wolfy stories. Despite the lack of budget there are some fab fairy tale moments.

With a handful of spare change and the left over Direwolves from G.O.T, Neil Jordan could remake the bejesus out of this. (Please, please, please…)

Rating : 6 out of 10

Points deducted for obvious Alsations and un-hot werewolves when in man form.

Ginger Snaps – 2000

Via Motion International ; Lionsgate Pictures

Twisted sisters in the burbs are tight until Ginger gets bitten by a lycan and her period follows.

When I first saw this, I loved it like the holy grail for having chicks as the main business and throwing in a sly bitch about menstruation. It also put a new twist on the werewolf life cycle.

Rating: 6 out of 10.

Points shaved for seeming a bit dated and done now. Fun fact – this also spawned two flawed but oddly intriguing sequels.

Dog Soldiers – 2002

Soldiers on a drill in Scotland bump into some hairy beasties.

Serious horror and the best werewolves I’ve ever seen. No bad CGI, cringy animatronics or sad stunt doubles in mohair. Big win for the scary monsters.

Rating – 7 out of 10.

Points deducted for story deficit, female deficit (It’s no longer 1981, shame on you) and moor deficit. Werewolves need wide open spaces to hunt you down.

Teen Wolf – 2011 – 2013 (Teen things always suck after 3 seasons)

A fit guy in a blood soaked ripped shirt with yellow eyes. Grrr. That’s pretty much the show.

Kidding.

Kind of.

The wolfing out is lame (hairy elf ears and intense muttonchops) and it is an Abercrombie and Fitch ad BUT there’s also dark storylines, creepy horror tropes, kickass chicks, good banter, high school hi-jinks and gayness.

Rating – 8.5 out of 10

Points given for gayness.

Because how many other halfway decent supernatural shows have gay boys or a gay werewolf in them, like it’s just a normal Tuesday?

I said HALFWAY DECENT…

Euphoria…yeah nah bro.

After plodding my way through 3 episodes of Euphoria (supposedly the latest, coolest, hippest teen show in town) I was SHOCKED to find out it was made by the dude who made Assassination Nation (See blog post 1).

I loved that movie so hard. It had it’s cake and ate it too and then shot it’s cake in the arse.

Euphoria deals with similar themes (female objectification, misogyny, toxic masculinity, violence) then adds drugs + feels BUT it’s so watered down and dis-empowering that it ends up a big pile of… ‘meh’.

You should cry Zendaya! Not tears of glitter but ugly snot tears coz Rue (your character) commits the UNFORGIVABLE sin of being an omniscient narrator.

Voice-overs are barely, rarely, once in blue moon acceptable and then only if a specific character is telling us something (hopefully) different from what we are seeing.

(Via Channel 4 Films) Nailed it.

Rue tells us things she can’t possibly know and so much extra we don’t need to know and I just can’t even…

No character is even 3 dimensional till Episode 4, they’re just basic ; druggie girl, trans girl, rapey jock boy, nice jock boy, fat girl etc… ad nauseam.

(Via HBO) And by fat we mean normal size.

Kat gets some personality and sexual power cause the makers probably panicked that she wasn’t a size zero and had to compensate but she is still getting screwed up for screwing. All the female characters are suffering for their sexual activity.

That’s the point yells creator Sam Levinson (Hollywood legacy and son of the Barry) it’s meant to be realer than real, I’m trying to show you ‘wassup’ for the femmes, yo!

(He doesn’t talk like that, I’m paraphrasing)

I do appreciate that Sam.

I appreciate there’s a lot more dick than in every other thing ever. I also appreciate that transgender character Jules is played by a trans actress. I appreciate you’re trying.

But why is Jules so isolated? Why no other non binary kids? Not even online. Why would Jules move to a backward small town? (Sorry if it was in her backstory, I couldn’t watch because…voice over.)

(Via HBO) Hey LGTBQI community, over here.

Why are the girls still objectified for the male gaze? ‘Hot but sweet blond girl’ (Honestly forgotten her name) has a ‘porny’ public orgasm while riding the carousel because she took molly. Yeah nah.

Assasination Nation is a delicious comedy-horror/B movie homage where the vilified girls finally get to go medieval on the townsfolk and smash the patriarchy . (WATCH IT !!!)

Euphoria is set in reality. Well a ‘reality’ where everyone is pretty and there’s no shit or puke or gore (or humour apparently) but somehow there’s a baby drug dealer straight out of Shameless. So not really reality Sam.

I’m worried the girls will just stay victims. Yeah yeah the boys are victims too BUT not in a way that makes you afraid for them.

So fuck it, I might just go watch Derry Girls where you can scare the patriarchy with Irish accents, awkwardness and irreverence.

Cue girl power. Cue hilarity.

Via Channel 4

Show of shame…

I’ve been sick.

So what? It’s winter. Everyone’s sick.

I’m not looking for sympathy. I’m asking for absolution, because when I’m sick I can only watch trash or musicals. Or both.

You know what’s coming…

Netflix has Glee. All 6 ‘sparkly unicorn poop’ seasons of it.

I need to add a disclaimer*

*I hate hate HATE the glee club teacher Will Schuster (and the actor, someone something) I hate his butt chin. I hate his sweater vests. I hate his inspirational. speeches. I hate his smug little smile. I hate his singing and dancing.

And I hate to infinity that he was seen as some kind of hottie. He clearly thinks so and it makes me want to ‘vom’ in my mouth. Repeatedly.

But as you know, I love love love teen cliques, costume changes, a good lip sync and cute gay boys.

And there’s only so many times a day I can watch baby Spiderman twerking to “Umbrella”.

(Via Comedy Central) What happens when you get bitten by a radioactive arachnid.

That’s a lie.

I could watch it over and over for forever and ever.

But it’s under 3 minutes and I was sick for 3 days!! Desperate times.

More disclaimers*

* I only watched the good bits. Yes there are good bits but there was ALOT of fast forwarding.

*I only watched the first season. And… a bit of the second.

For Blaine and Kurt.

And Brittany and Santana.

(Via Netflix) How **Bring it On** should have gone down.

I didn’t re – watch all 6 seasons. I’m not a monster!

So judge me but don’t judge me cause I know y’all have shameful shows that you watch on the DL and I forgive you.

Unless it’s Will and Grace (the reboot) and then you’re going straight to hell.

No excuses. No refunds. No mercy.

Why Sabrina kicks Riverdale’s butt..

They both have the same comic book originators, same TV creators and same mash-up of 50’s/Victoriana/modern costume (I guess that’s what the kids want these days? And by kids I mean 20-year-olds cause I’m pretty sure no actual teenagers watch these shows) but Sabrina works and Riverdale does not. Let me tell you why…

Sabrina is a witch in a supernatural universe. Things are allowed to be supes dramatic and heightened when you’re fighting demons or trying to save your soul/bod from Satan. Life or death situations make for high stakes yeah.

But in Riverdale, when you’re just high school students who somehow own nightclubs or are in fight clubs or get wasted on ‘fizzle rocks’ the melodrama is just annoying.

(Via Netflix) Even Jughead didn’t care about his lame cake.

In Sabrina there are witches that are 1oo plus so a bit of ‘olden timey’
highfalutin speak goes down fine.

But in Riverdale it’s preposterous AF for teens to talk like that. They might as well be saying Twatwaffle Parsnips, Archiekins. (Also I’m gonna punch Veronica in the crotch if she says Archiekins one more time.)

Was a 12-year-old allowed to write the dialogue? A much more talented 12-year-old than the one who wrote 50 Shades of Grey, but a 12-year-old nonetheless.

And it’s only fitting to dress up in a fancy cloak or strip down to a nightie for a Satanic ritual. It’s an occasion.

But what’s your excuse for this ensemble on a school night?

(Via Netflix) Tryouts for the Riverdale debate team.

Cheryl is clearly in the wrong show.

She obviously needs to be Agnes, the ‘Weird Sister’ in Sabrina. I get a sad pang every time I look at Agnes’s pale ginga hair.

(Via Netflix) Agnes, Prudence and Dolores

In Sabrina there is actual acting. Kiernan Shipka (as Sabrina) does the business while I think KJ Apa (as Archie) has got…WORSER?! (Sorry not sorry New Zealand.)

Is it the red hair? And what’s with all the blood? Did you get mauled by a bear?? But somehow you survived?! Just like Leo in The Revenant. Bears must be so pissed off by this terrible Hollywood stereotype when they can’t even kill lone white boys.

(Via Netflix) Archie tries really really really hard to act.

And there are actual ‘honest to Beelzebub’ grown-up actors in Sabrina not just 80’s has- beens (sorry not sorry Luke Perry) playing fun, scenery-chewing parts. Acid tongued Aunt Zelda, decepetively sweet Aunt Hilda and demoness Lilith are a fucking delight.

(Via Netflix) Aunt Zelda, Aunt Hilda and Lilith

They may have faithfully served Satan but now they want to be in charge.

Yuss Queens…of Hell. Go…Goth girls. Hail bitch…sister witches!

Riverdale is so desperate for storylines, it keeps mining teen classics of the past and resorting to musical episodes. The musical episodes are vastly less painful than the ‘normal’ episodes because it’s easier to watch these chicks as Heathers characters than their own vapid ones. (Sorry not sorry Cheryl, you’re in the wrong show.)

The only thing that Sabrina series 2 reminds me of is Buffy. There, I said it.

It’s not as clever or well written or fleshed out and I have some criticisms (Lucifer is lacking in human form, the muggles are one note, Ambrose is getting less gay and more bi) BUT there is a sweet blonde girl who has to blah blah against darkness and there is a werewolf episode (squeeeeeeeee) and a school dance and the actor who played Wesley (from Buffy) was in it for five minutes.

So while I wait for Joss Whedon’s new series (The Nevers – Victorian Women with superpowers) I say goodbye Riverdale and hello Greendale.

And I say join me brothers and sisters.

Praise Lucifer.

Umbrella Academy…FF you.

An adopted family of ex-child superheroes reunite when their father dies.

Cool idea, right?

Ellen Page is decent. Robert Sheehan is pretty. Intriguing pilot episode with fab soundtrack.

And that’s when the good times stop.

No grit or depth, the plot is dragged out like mozzarella, the dialogue wayyyyyy expositional and everyone weeps like they’re in a soap.

Don’t waste your precious hours fast-forwarding (like me), instead try these 5 delicious and nutritious alternatives.

1 : Misfits – 2009 – Series 1 (The rest are lame but it went on for 4 more years)

What is it?

Five delinquent teens get superpowers from a lightning storm.

Why should you watch it?

It’s hilarious and dark and British. Get that Robert Sheehan fix. Sadly he’s not gay but he’s still obnoxious and pretty. (Why isn’t Robert more famous by now? I feel he should be.) Also spot the G.O.T actor in a more nuanced role.

2 :Firefly – 2002 – Series 1 (Cause it got cancelled, US network executive IDIOTS!)

What tis?

A rag-tag crew try to survive in a post-apocalyptic space-western world.

Why watch it?

Because…Joss Whedon.

Then watch Serenity the 2005 movie, which doesn’t replace the imagined series 2 and 3 but does help ease the cravings.

3: Counterpart – Series 1 & 2 2017/2018 – (Series 2 unfortunately goes tits up half way through )

What dis?

A lowly clerk in Berlin discovers his office is hiding a parallel world.

Why would ya?

It’s about a middle aged straight cis white man and it’s still GREAT. Wha…? To be fair, that man is JK Simmons but it’s also grown up and authentic and impossible to predict, which is ‘so excitement’ in these jaded story times.

4: Orphan Black –2013-2018 – 5 series (Uber uneven sometimes but I made it!)

What?

Clones.

Why?

Kick-ass women mostly played by one actor. Fun and freaky genetic weirdness but will also give you the feels.

5 : Humans – 2015 – 2018 – 3 Series

Que?

Robots aka ‘Synths’ serve every human need until, uh-oh, some become self-aware.

Porque?

Don’t you trust me by now?

No?

Well then you may have trust issues. Maybe you need to get some professional help for that?

Nah, just watch TV dude.

Sex Education – Must try harder. (No pun intended)

Everyone was saying such wildly positive things.

This show sounded like it ticked all the boxes.

Teenagers. Gay boys. Gay girls. Not just white peeps. Hilarity. Awkwardness. Brits.

Kinda my TV wet dream.

You should never trust people. People are delusional.

Sex Education is set in an unspecified English village but it has this weird American vibe and it’s set now – ish BUT everyone dresses like the 70’s/80’s/90’s.

This is the popular clique. What the …??!!

James Spader called and said ‘Don’t ever wear socks with dress shoes’.

(Via Paramount) James Spader ready for school.

This cross pollination of time and fashion hurt my head and distracted me from the story.

If you love the 80’s that much. Why not just set it in the 80’s?!

I guess cause the gay sex would be closeted and the problems ancient.

So then subtly slide in retro bits of fashion, don’t make my eyes bleed with Maeve’s fringed jacket!

She’s not joining Nickelback.

Or is she?

Cause for a ‘hot/scary girl protecting a tender heart’ she is failing. It takes no time at all to get to her gooey centre.

Effy Stonem (the now and forever queen of this glorious trope) from Skins would destroy her with a mere look, never mind a throw down.

(Via Company Pictures ; Stormdog Films) Effy Stonem – Gives zero fucks.

My other main complaint is the gay romance.

It made sense in the first episode that bully Adam (who couldn’t get it up with his ‘hawt’ girlfriend) was gonna fall for flamboyant Eric. Throwing someone brutally against a locker is a classic opening gambit.

But Adam was just ”stressed” and spends the subsequent episodes pining over that girl. He’s still harassing Eric, but with zero homoerotic subtext (trust me, I peered) or growing connection.

And then they hook up in the final episode. What? Huh? With so little foreplay, it just seems like a totally forced cliffhanger.

So why did I watch it all? Why not stop the bitchkreig and just move on?

3 reasons.

1 : Otis.

The actor is awesome. The character is awesome. The jacket is awesome. (I had a similar one in the 90’s) He has no creepy ‘I might shoot up a school’ vibe. The whole nerdy sweet boy is made good again.

2 : The drama in Episode 5 (which is when the series got GOOD) is motivated by dressing up to go see Hedwig and the Angry Inch.

So many millennial babies don’t know this musical/movie exists and that is a travesty of our time!

3 : John Hughes.

This lame looking dude gave me the romantic teenage movies of my formative years. Apparently he also ‘formatated’ the minds of the creators of Sex Education.

So while I may deplore the fashion and fails, I cannot resist the ‘John Hughes’ ishness. It goes straight to my soft underbelly and I’m sucked in just like all the other delusional fools.

So come on Season 2. Get your shit together.

Lemony Snicket. Look away … spoilers!

Having not read the books (Should I?) and having forgotten the 2004 movie ruined by Jim Carrey’s irritating schtick , I had no idea how A Series of Unfortunate Events was gonna end.

So I was giddy. Finally the answers to so many questions!

And queasy. Would it? Could it possibly live up to the weight of my expectations?

Alas dear reader, it failed.

Kit Snicket and Count Olaf as long lost loves? Not buying it.

The snake, the apple, the anti Garden of Eden? Too obvi.

The amazing costumes becoming tie dye hippie robes. Booooooo!

Also TOO MANY BABIES! One baby (with wit and werewolf teeth) is quite acceptable but two is a bridge too far.

That very night I dreamt of babies (*SHUDDER*) and still wanted more from the end.

More swag. More style. A glorious and noble finale.

Going out with a bang! (Not a limping whimper)

I know that it’s easy to start and hard to finish but it’s just not good enough ‘author dude’

You not only let me and the Baudelaires down, you let yourself down.

I will be speaking to your father about this.

Assassination Nation – Fuck Yeah!

It’s Heathers meets Kill Bill. Disturbing, funny, self aware and so socially relevant.

Why is it not celebrated and famous?

Why did I have to get it by nefarious means from my TV dealer?

It screened only ONCE ( blink and you’ll miss it) at a teeny festival in my city.

Shame.

This is a fucking fab, feminist film. Made by a man. I know! I was shocked too.

Clap your peepers on the trailer. Get your sticky paws on the movie. Let’s make it the cult hit it deserves to be.

Hyperbole? Yeah nah.

Fact.

Via Bron Studios