Two adaptations that make my eyes (& heart) bleed…

Persuasion – Netflix 2022

Clutch that rabbit Dakota coz you clearly learnt nothing from appearing in that other disastrous movie ’50 shades of twilight fan fic’. Are you deliberately trying to tank your career?

When they say ‘based on the story by Jane Austen’ they mean loosely, like Beavis and Butt-head could be based on Pride and Prejudice. Both are about love/hate relationships.

Obvi Persuasion has all the original characters and plot lines but it’s been pimped out into a sarcastic rom-com beyond all recognition for the Bridgerton fans or the kidz or… Americans?

Just watch the 1995 version. Sadly it’s back in the day when stodgy white people were the only ones cast in Regency drama’s.

(Via BBC, Sony Picture) Mop head and horse face are my two options?

But it gives you all the angsty feels of repressed heartbroken longing and despite knowing it ends happily (no that’s not a spoiler unless you were born before 1817) I get worried every time.

Sandman – Netflix 2022 (SPOILERS…well one.)

Things they got right :

1: Tom Sturridge certainly looks the part.

2: There’s a really cute gargoyle called Gregory.

(Via Netflix) How to train your gargoyle.

Things they got wrong:

1 : Tom opens his mouth, tries to act ‘for serial’ and sounds like constipated Batman.

(Via Warner Bros) I’m lord of the…ugh…dreaming.

2: The gargoyle dies in episode 2.

Don’t worry there’s a cute replacement.

(Via Netflix) So two REALLY cute gargoyles.

BUT that was the end of my emotional investment as Sandman just kept piling on the crap.

3: 90% of the characters are boring and forgettable despite 90% being queer.

4: The source material is 30 years old so what was once ‘Ooh’ and ‘Ahh’ now seems derivative and dated.

5: It looks too shiny too crisp too clean, not nearly surreal enough.

6: The special effects are cringe city.

7: The story changes make it worser.

etc etc etc and…

11: The dream king’s raven is played by an AMERICAN! The wrong-est of wrong Americans!!

It’s as if Paddington Bear was voiced by Nicholas Cage… at least that would be funny.

The moral of the story is: a 90s gothy graphic novel that encompasses life and death, dark and deep, cool and cute cosmic concepts does not work as a live action TV series.

There’s a reason why it took so long to make it to the screen, some stories need to be left in their original glorious form not resurrected and butchered.

(Via Netflix) R.I.P Gregory the Gargoyle

Heartstopper – My most controversial opinion.

DISCLAIMER 1 : I WANTED to like it. I tried SO hard. I didn’t even FAST FORWARD!

DISCLAIMER 2 : Queer teen love is pretty much my favourite genre in the whole world.

DISCLAIMER 3 : I was totally prepped for wholesome and not expecting Elite style shenanigans.

DISCLAIMER 4 : Heartstopper is perfect for starting sex ed talks with 8 -12 year olds.

BUT it’s BORING as a TV series.

And before you burn me at the stake here’s why…

NUMBER 1 : Not enough happens. There’s not enough going on in the graphic novels but instead of expanding storylines or keeping it short they eke it out at a snail’s pace for 10 episodes, making me regret my…z..z..z…

Sorry I just fell asleep. (Via Universal Pictures/Tenor)

NUMBER 2 : The characters are too passive. I know Charlie is meant to be the nerdy shy guy but what’s everyone else’s excuse? Nick is normal with a capital N, Elle is a shrinking violet, Isaac is blandness with a book. Only Tau seems to have opinions and attitude.

(Via See-Saw Films) My hair has more personality than you!

NUMBER 3: They don’t talk like teens. Was the dialogue written by a smart chimpanzee and a sentient robot raised by a posh white British dude?

4 – And they don’t act like teens. There’s way too much ‘Rom’ and not enough ‘Com’. Stop the floating leaves and saccherine indie pop breaks or I’m gonna murder Richard Curtis. (I should do that anyway, he’s the worst.)

If only we had penises!
(Via See-Saw films)

I’m not a monster, like I said romantic AF for queer love BUT it’s possible to be sweet and PG but also have humour, stakes and chutzpah. Sadly Heartstopper did not get that memo.

Okay bring on the pitchforks and torches.

Bridgerton 2 – the good, the bad & the ugly. (SPOILERS)

THE GOOD :

1: Insanely hawt ‘URST’ between Anthony and Kate, the likes of which I haven’t seen since Buffy and Angel or Maverick and Iceman…no just me?

And when they finally did ‘bow chicha wow wow’ they didn’t lose any of their spark or chemistry, which as we know from countless other movies/shows/books is a bloody miracle.

(Via Netflix) Is that a gun in your breeches?

2 : The smackdown drag out fight between my other favourite twosome, Eloise and Penelope. It hurt but it ‘hurt so good’ because the rift will create much juicy suspense and angst for season three.

3: Pall Mall the Bridgerton family version, almost as bloodthirsty and competitive as croquet in Heathers.

4: Newton, the cutest most chonkiest most eligible bachelor in the ton.

(Via Netflix) Watch out Charlotte there’s a new royal in town.

THE BAD :

1: The first four episodes. Anthony and Kate smouldered but the rest of the characters were on repeat or languishing on the side lines. They’re gonna have to smoosh books 3 and 4 into the next season or everyone will fall asleep…no just me?

(Via Ben Taub, IRL Science) If this doesn’t make u yawn, u may be a psychopath.

2: Benedict not being gay or bi. He’s an artist, what more do you need? Also his hair is the floofiest…apart from Newton. Cannot believe they have diverse casting and historically inaccurate…well everything but somehow no queer main characters. It’s bollocks!

(Via Netflix) **BENEDICT BRIDGERTON EST IL GAY ?** Even the French agree.

3: The lack of sweaty half naked hotties in the boxing ring. The Duke is absent (he’s doing a Katherine Heigl departing Grey’s) William is fully dressed (his cravet done up so tight I’m surprised he can breathe) and Anthony’s long hot baths are just not cutting the mustard.

(Via Netflix) Yeah mate we’re ALL frustrated.

4: The flashback to daddy Bridgerton looking ten years older than Anthony. With a whopping seven million $$ budget per episode, I think they could’ve afforded a younger actor.

(Via Netflix) Daddy, was I born when you were 10?

AND THE UGLY:

Lord Fife, causing trouble between Anthony and Kate, breaking Pen’s heart by making Colin deny any smidge of attraction to her, generally lurking in the background with his terrible leer and terrible hair. Don’t remember him? Neither does anyone else, I couldn’t find a single picture online.

Guess it’s time for a re- watch.

The most ridiculous thing about..

The Meg – 2018

Is not the fake gigantic shark or the second more fake, more gigantic shark.

Or even Jason Statham’s atrocious acting.

Is that another shark?? — Is that a shark?

The most ridiculous thing is that an 8 year old is allowed to run around unsupervised on a multi billion dollar underwater substation, where there are countless hazards that could cause a terrible accident.

Why has no-one called child protective services?

Pride – Watch it bitches.

Pride (released in 2014) is finally on Netflix in 2020. About bloody time.

A group of young London gay and lesbian activists lend support to conservative striking miners in 1984 Wales, whether the miners want it or not.

This is one of my all time faves filims even though it’s based on a True Story.

Via Sarcastic Nicholas Cage; makeameme.org

Those five words (based on a true story) usually make for such lame films which get worser when it’s ‘INSPIRATIONAL’.

The makers suck out the life and flavour that made the story inspiring in the first place and I end up wishing I could just see the doco but the doco doesn’t exist and even if it did, I don’t watch doco’s so GAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Pride manages to rise above the B.O.A.T.S (based on a true story) curse like a glorious dragon in flight.

(Via Dreamworks) Or a supercute dragon that’s an axolotl/cat hybrid.

How you ask? How is such a miracle even possible??

I have some theories ; decent script, decent characters (real and made-up) AND no precious, entitled superstars killing all the interesting stuff in their past.

Yes I’m talking to you Elton John, Brian May, Ice Cube and Dr Dre.

Pride is set in the 80’s, it’s hilarious but also political, has great music, bad fashion and the gorgeous Andrew Scott in his most understated role yet.

And the brill Bill Nighy also in an understated and touching role.

Plus the best dance scene with the worst hair. Coz it was the actual 80’s not the zhooshed up version. Yes I’m talking to you Sex Education. No offense, Eric would love this movie.

You will laugh and you will cry and you will be inspired (but none of it in a cheesy Tom Hanks way) and if for some baffling reason you don’t like it…

You have terrible taste.

Cuts like a motherf**ker…

In Sharp Objects, Camille an alcoholic reporter goes back to her hometown and dysfunctional family to investigate the murder of two teenage girls.

The premise of almost every thriller, am I right or ‘amirite’? Occasionally girls go missing in a forest near a small town but never a city. Small towns are the murder capitals of the world.

I don’t usually do snuffy stuff cause I don’t wanna see the mutilated bodies of females (and sometimes boys) as they search for a deranged serial killer who is usually the town priest or local doctor or…ta-da… a policeman.

Sharp Objects proves you don’t have to exploit women’s bodies to shock. There are cleverer ways to get the mind to do it’s own grim imagining.

It has a bangin’ twisty story based on the book by Gillian Flynn, she who wrote Gone Girl. If you don’t know Gone Girl, you’ve been living under a rock in a tiny murder town.

The acting from the main threesome is fucking stunning.

And killer direction by that French dude who also did Big Little Lies – Season 1. Don’t get me wrong, Big Little Lies is crap on toast.

(Via HBO) Face it, we’re just sloppy seconds.

But what doesn’t work in that glossy generic chick flit (the intense soundtrack, the fragmanted flashbacks) is perfect with the styalised ‘Southern Gothic’ meets gritty authenticity of Sharp Objects.

I do have complaints.

Firstly it’s shockingly racist. The few women of colour are sympathetic background characters like the rehab nurse or the wife of Camille’s boss/father figure. And then there is Gayla the maid. She is just blank.

Biggest Unsolved Mystery of the Show: Is Gayla in the Sunken Place?? from sharpobjects

(Via Reddit ) CONTAINS SPOILERS

This is the only thing that makes sense. (If you don’t know about the sunken place in Get Out then you deserve to die under your rock in your tiny murder town.) Gayla isn’t even remotely fleshed out, she just supplies food and comforting hugs. Someone said online “That’s just how racist the South is” but that’s no excuse. The creators could’ve easily shown how Gayla feels even if she can’t voice anything to her white employers. I’m really ashamed of this. WTF happened?!

Also the finale is hella rushed. Sharp Objects is a slow burn and then they bundle the end up like a small child in a big scarf leaving important questions unanswered. Bold directorial choice? Nah it’s sloppy and unsatisfying.

*SIGH*

Still in the dearth of decent content that is lockdown land, it is the only thing that has hooked me hard and kept my brain buzzing,

It came out in 2018 so you’ve probably already watched it.

Can we please discuss?

Feel Good – feels aight.

I started watching Feel Good coz I have a crush on creator/star Mae Martin who is not only hilarious but looks like a hot Peter Pan.

Imagine my delight when the show turned out to be actually funny. Brit comedy light. Awkward in the best way with occasional real feels.

If you liked Crashing you’ ll probably like this show. And I mean Crashing the UK series, about 20 somethings’ living in an abandoned hospital, the less famous but still charming cousin of Fleabag.

NOT Crashing the US series, which as far as I can tell (from the teeny blips I’ve seen channel surfing) is about a straight white guy trying to make it in the world of stand up. BOOOOOOOO no one cares. Shame on you Judd Apatow for being involved.

(Via HBO) That dude needs a punch in the face.

Lisa Kudrow has a choice cameo as Mae’s uptight mother but mostest fun is Sophie Thompson as Mae’s batty NA sponsor. And she’s Emma Thompson sister! I never even knew that was a thing or rather a person.

(Via Channel 4; Netflix) Another Thompson. Mind Blown!

The object of Mae’s desire starts off kinda drippy and the romance very PG13. Lots of kissing and spooning and not much else.

(Via Channel 4; Netflix) An English rose whose name I have forgotten.

But George (I had to look it up) works for the story and the comedy and they start showing more realistic ‘girl on girl’ sex but with just as much awks.

So if you need a break from the apocalypse (IRL or on any number of TV shows) this makes a good palate cleanser. You can easily gobble it down in one sitting.

Some netty flix supernatural shows…

(Via Netflix) He was literally a latchkey kid.

Dad dies tragically so ma and sprogs move to small town and spooky family mansion, seething with secrets.

(Via Netflix) The Addams family summer home.

Episodes watched : One.

Been there, seen that. Cool idea, same old execution. I just didn’t feel any burning curiosity to keep going. So I jumped to…

Grandad dies mysteriously so the fam move back to a small town and the mansion, which is way less pretty.

But sarky humour and cute gay boy, so I was hopeful.

(Via Netflix) Except his name is Geoff. GEOFF??!!

Episodes watched : Four – ish.

I realised the teens couldn’t act, the monster quota was way down and the script was becoming a cringy PSA. The writers needed to take a hefty dose of ‘Milkovich’.

(Via Showtime) Mickey and Ian on **Shameless**, Season 10

And I needed to switch to…

Dad has killed himself BUT it’s mysterious. They never left the small town and no mansion as poo-er.

I coped with the voice over coz more of an inner monologue and I coped with the continuing 80’s renaissance (half Stephen King and half John Hughes) but I couldn’t keep on coping, when every character is so samey! No surprises and no variations. Also not enough mystery.

Episodes watched : Six (half hour duration) really only three.

I was feeling despondent until I finally tried…

Dead Dad – Check.

Mum and sons return to small town – Check.

Macabre mansion of the bad guys – Uber check.

I didn’t think I could cope with the serial killer glasses.

And this one is different. Not just cause it’s Norwegian and set in the most amazeballs location.

The teens are gormless, the baddies bizarre and fun, the gaining of powers “realistic” and I cared in a short space of time. Ticks all round.

Alas the love interest is a dull plot device, they kill off the best female character and the ending is SO LAME I almost threw the TV out the window. Still I felt more gripped, amused and transported than watching that other supernatural shizzle.

So why not give it a try? Season 2 promises a chance for redemption.

What else you gonna do in the apocalypse?

5 shows no one should watch, ever…

Dracula (2020)

Sherlock was brilltastically adapted to modern day but trying to switch up the O.G of vampires just produces a hot mess. What were they smoking? Whatever it was don’t try it! The count is channelling a 60’s gangster and there is a fiesty nun/nemesis/love interest who then becomes her descendant…Hmmm.

Yeah that’s the show. Hmmm…

The Witcher (2019)

I figured this was gonna suck from looking at Henry Cavill’s atrocious fright wig. Netflix foisting the trailer on me (RUDE!) confirmed my suspicions BUT I watched like, 7 minutes to be absolutely sure. It’s embarrassing. The video game is less wooden and cliched.

Yes I know it was originally books, but it shouldn’t be.

Nancy Drew (2019)

Getting a Riverdale style revamp didn’t work for Archie and it really doesn’t work for Nancy. Not offended that 18 year old Nancy is getting some D (like one reviewer) offended there isn’t enough cool ghosty shizzle to save this from being the poor cousin of 90210, which is already it’s own sad little reboot.

Also Nancy’s hair is too apricot.

The L Word – Generation Q (2019)

Proving yet again that breathing new life into old ideas is just giving everyone halitosis.

Yes, Generation Q is more ‘woke’ (trans actors playing trans characters and more ethnic diversity) than the 2004 version BUT it’s way too soapy, lacks decent characters and any kind of sass. Even the sex scenes have lost their hotness.

Do yourself a favour and just watch the original.

Soundtrack (2019)

I love Paul James and I haven’t seen him in anything since Greek. I love the dance and I love the lip singing so I was prepared to give this a chance, despite the alarm bells the poster was setting off.

Yeah nah.

Do yourself a favour and just get food posioning.

Foul mouthed, hard drinking, hot-headed heroines…

Lets start with No Offence – Season 3

‘Rough as guts’ but a good cop (and human) DI Vivienne Deering goes rogue getting the bad creeps off the streets of Manchester.

How often does a fat, crude, middle aged woman get to be the smart, tough hero of the piece? Umm never… until now.

No Offence is grim and gritty but also female focused and funny. Of course its funny, it’s Paul Abbot who birthed Shameless.

So why you wonder, are you only hearing about it now?

Like I said, grim. Seasons 1 & 2 deal with rape and paedophilia but then season 1 had a unbelievable denouement and season 2 was very convoluted so I wasn’t sure how to best define the show.

Series 3 was the least confronting and most conventional. And SPOILER ALERT there’s finally a romantic spark betwixt ‘wild child’ Dinah and Spike the married stalwart. Honestly I’ve been gagging for this from day one.

So I’m hoping for a season 4.

But if you’re not as shallow as me then go back to series 1 & 2 for damn fine suspense and drama with a shit ton of irreverence.

But if you are shallow or feeling faint of stomach, there is an easy alternative.

Wynonna Earp – Season 3

The great (times a lot) granddaughter of Wyatt Earp (yes that one) has to vanquish demons in her home town.

Wynonna has an attitude problem, a drinking problem and would cuss like a sailor but it’s not HBO. It’s trashy, escapist supernatural fun.

It has a love triangle I don’t hate.

Instead of a ‘white bread’ ken doll v. another ‘white bread’ ken doll, Wynonna gets…

Ex – military secret agent, Xavier Dolls .

(Via Syfy, CTV Sci Fi Channel) Damn he is fine as hell.

And gen-u-ine cowboy Doc Holliday (yes that one).

(Via Syfy, CTV Sci Fi Channel) Damn, he is fine as well.

And if that weren’t enough eye candy, younger sister Waverly is making time with a hot cop, called Officer Haught (yes that pun).

So why are you only hearing about this now, also weirdly in season 3??

Because the actor playing Wynonna got knocked up before season 2.

Kudos to not cancelling the show or replacing the actor. And more kudos to Melanie S for playing a kick ass action star, while up the duff. Never seen that…until now.

BUT I’m not a fan of pregnancy (yes I’m prejudiced, sue me) so series 2 didn’t have the charm of 1 and I couldn’t give y’all my stamp of approval till season 3 bounced back.

Ignore the cheap fx and power through the dreadful pilot, first time I only made it through 5 minutes but I came back (after much reassurance) and dang if I wasn’t soon hooked.

And if neither of those rip your nightie. Watch season 9 of Taskmaster with Aoteoroa’s very own Rose Matafeo. She’s hot headed and potty mouthed. I don’t know if she likes a drink but I do know I’ve never been prouder of a Kiwi making it overseas in my entire life.