Why Sabrina kicks Riverdale’s butt..

They both have the same comic book originators, same TV creators and same mash-up of 50’s/Victoriana/modern costume (I guess that’s what the kids want these days? And by kids I mean 20-year-olds cause I’m pretty sure no actual teenagers watch these shows) but Sabrina works and Riverdale does not. Let me tell you why…

Sabrina is a witch in a supernatural universe. Things are allowed to be supes dramatic and heightened when you’re fighting demons or trying to save your soul/bod from Satan. Life or death situations make for high stakes yeah.

But in Riverdale, when you’re just high school students who somehow own nightclubs or are in fight clubs or get wasted on ‘fizzle rocks’ the melodrama is just annoying.

(Via Netflix) Even Jughead didn’t care about his lame cake.

In Sabrina there are witches that are 1oo plus so a bit of ‘olden timey’
highfalutin speak goes down fine.

But in Riverdale it’s preposterous AF for teens to talk like that. They might as well be saying Twatwaffle Parsnips, Archiekins. (Also I’m gonna punch Veronica in the crotch if she says Archiekins one more time.)

Was a 12-year-old allowed to write the dialogue? A much more talented 12-year-old than the one who wrote 50 Shades of Grey, but a 12-year-old nonetheless.

Imogen has SUCH an imagination.

And it’s only fitting to dress up in a fancy cloak or strip down to a nightie for a Satanic ritual. It’s an occasion.

Via Netflix

But what’s your excuse for this ensemble on a school night?

(Via Netflix) Tryouts for the Riverdale debate team.

Cheryl is clearly in the wrong show.

She obviously needs to be Agnes, the ‘Weird Sister’ in Sabrina. I get a sad pang every time I look at Agnes’s pale ginga hair.

(Via Netflix) Agnes, Prudence and Dolores

In Sabrina there is actual acting. Kiernan Shipka (as Sabrina) does the business while I think KJ Apa (as Archie) has got…WORSER?! (Sorry not sorry New Zealand.)

Is it the red hair? And what’s with all the blood? Did you get mauled by a bear?? But somehow you survived?! Just like Leo in The Revenant. Bears must be so pissed off by this terrible Hollywood stereotype when they can’t even kill lone white boys.

(Via Netflix) Archie tries really really really hard to act.

And there are actual ‘honest to Beelzebub’ grown-up actors in Sabrina not just 80’s has- beens (sorry not sorry Luke Perry) playing fun, scenery-chewing parts. Acid tongued Aunt Zelda, decepetively sweet Aunt Hilda and demoness Lilith are a fucking delight.

They may have faithfully served Satan but now they want to be in charge.

Yuss Queens…of Hell. Go…Goth girls. Hail bitch…sister witches!

Riverdale is so desperate for storylines, it keeps mining teen classics of the past and resorting to musical episodes. The musical episodes are vastly less painful than the ‘normal’ episodes because it’s easier to watch these chicks as Heathers characters than their own vapid ones. (Sorry not sorry Cheryl, you’re in the wrong show.)

(Via Netflix) Anyone for Clueless?

The only thing that Sabrina series 2 reminds me of is Buffy. There, I said it.

It’s not as clever or well written or fleshed out and I have some criticisms (Lucifer is lacking in human form, the muggles are one note, Ambrose is getting less gay and more bi) BUT there is a sweet blonde girl who has to blah blah against darkness and there is a werewolf episode (squeeeeeeeee) and a school dance and the actor who played Wesley (from Buffy) was in it for five minutes.

So while I wait for Joss Whedon’s new series (The Nevers – Victorian Women with superpowers) I say goodbye Riverdale and hello Greendale.

And I say join me brothers and sisters.

Praise Lucifer.

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