Two adaptations that make my eyes (& heart) bleed…

Persuasion – Netflix 2022

Clutch that rabbit Dakota coz you clearly learnt nothing from appearing in that other disastrous movie ’50 shades of twilight fan fic’. Are you deliberately trying to tank your career?

(Via Netflix)

When they say ‘based on the story by Jane Austen’ they mean loosely, like Beavis and Butt-head could be based on Pride and Prejudice. Both are about love/hate relationships.

Obvi Persuasion has all the original characters and plot lines but it’s been pimped out into a sarcastic rom-com beyond all recognition for the Bridgerton fans or the kidz or… Americans?

Just watch the 1995 version. Sadly it’s back in the day when stodgy white people were the only ones cast in Regency drama’s.

(Via BBC, Sony Picture) Mop head and horse face are my two options?

But it gives you all the angsty feels of repressed heartbroken longing and despite knowing it ends happily (no that’s not a spoiler unless you were born before 1817) I get worried every time.

Sandman – Netflix 2022 (SPOILERS…well one.)

Things they got right :

1: Tom Sturridge certainly looks the part.

2: There’s a really cute gargoyle called Gregory.

(Via Netflix) How to train your gargoyle.

Things they got wrong:

1 : Tom opens his mouth, tries to act ‘for serial’ and sounds like constipated Batman.

(Via Warner Bros) I’m lord of the…ugh…dreaming.

2: The gargoyle dies in episode 2.

Don’t worry there’s a cute replacement.

(Via Netflix) So two REALLY cute gargoyles.

BUT that was the end of my emotional investment as Sandman just kept piling on the crap.

3: 90% of the characters are boring and forgettable despite 90% being queer.

4: The source material is 30 years old so what was once ‘Ooh’ and ‘Ahh’ now seems derivative and dated.

5: It looks too shiny too crisp too clean, not nearly surreal enough.

6: The special effects are cringe city.

7: The story changes make it worser.

etc etc etc and…

11: The dream king’s raven is played by an AMERICAN! The wrong-est of wrong Americans!!

It’s as if Paddington Bear was voiced by Nicholas Cage… at least that would be funny.

The moral of the story is: a 90s gothy graphic novel that encompasses life and death, dark and deep, cool and cute cosmic concepts does not work as a live action TV series.

There’s a reason why it took so long to make it to the screen, some stories need to be left in their original glorious form not resurrected and butchered.

(Via Netflix) R.I.P Gregory the Gargoyle