Dracula (2020)

Sherlock was brilltastically adapted to modern day but trying to switch up the O.G of vampires just produces a hot mess. What were they smoking? Whatever it was don’t try it! The count is channelling a 60’s gangster and there is a fiesty nun/nemesis/love interest who then becomes her descendant…Hmmm.

Yeah that’s the show. Hmmm…

The Witcher (2019)

I figured this was gonna suck from looking at Henry Cavill’s atrocious fright wig. Netflix foisting the trailer on me (RUDE!) confirmed my suspicions BUT I watched like, 7 minutes to be absolutely sure. It’s embarrassing. The video game is less wooden and cliched.

Yes I know it was originally books, but it shouldn’t be.

Nancy Drew (2019)

Getting a Riverdale style revamp didn’t work for Archie and it really doesn’t work for Nancy. Not offended that 18 year old Nancy is getting some D (like one reviewer) offended there isn’t enough cool ghosty shizzle to save this from being the poor cousin of 90210, which is already it’s own sad little reboot.

Also Nancy’s hair is too apricot.

The L Word – Generation Q (2019)

Proving yet again that breathing new life into old ideas is just giving everyone halitosis.

Yes, Generation Q is more ‘woke’ (trans actors playing trans characters and more ethnic diversity) than the 2004 version BUT it’s way too soapy, lacks decent characters and any kind of sass. Even the sex scenes have lost their hotness.

Do yourself a favour and just watch the original.

Soundtrack (2019)

I love Paul James and I haven’t seen him in anything since Greek. I love the dance and I love the lip singing so I was prepared to give this a chance, despite the alarm bells the poster was setting off.

Yeah nah.

Do yourself a favour and just get food posioning.